Surgery Update…

Wow…I’m not sure where to to begin! It’s 5:30pm on Monday evening and I am alive. I am still in the hospital, but I am getting stronger and going home tomorrow.

I guess I will begin with Thursday. My surgery was supposed to start at 3pm but my mom told me that she got the official call that the start time ended up being 4:10pm. They didn’t finish until in the morning. I woke up freaking out. As I struggled to open my eyes I came to the realization that I couldn’t move my extremities or breathe on my own. I was on a ventilator and restrained to the bed. I tried to motion for my mom to come and explain to me what had happened. I was in the ICU. Once my breathing status had improved I was moved back to an ortho surgery floor and extubated! Boy was I in a lot of pain since they were unable to keep up with my pain meds since I was having difficulty with my breathing.

It’s been quite a longggggg week! I came in last Tuesday and am supposed to leave tomorrow morning. Sleep and just rest in general has been few and far between. My body desperately needs the rest.

Thank you to everyone who has called, messaged, came by, texted, etc. It means more than you will ever know.

-Much Love

Impatiently Waiting…

Wow this is hard. To just be. To just sit with myself and my thoughts all alone within the walls of a hospital room. My mind racing. Almost like a pinball machine. One thought bouncing off of another. I can’t get away from myself.

This is definitely a test of my patience. I don’t do well with boredom. I feel confined. Trapped. I’m not one bit worried about my upcoming surgery. Is that weird? Am I abnormal? I just keep thinking that if I should happen to have an anesthesia complication because of my weight and health at least I wouldn’t know it. Crazy, I know. But, reality. I also think the fact that I’ve dealt with the insanity of this injury for so long that it has impacted my ability to feel any kind of emotion other than urgency about the situation. I’ve been patient about it for long enough. Im ready to have my life back.

So…I wait. I drink tea, and coffee, and watch movies, and wait. I can’t seem to reign in my eating disorder or my anxiety or my depression but I am praying that this can push me along. I guess I can at least dream.

-Much love

Surgery Round Nine..

I feel like I have been neglecting this blog, not because I want to, but more because I haven’t quite known how to really express how I’m feeling in any different of terms than I haven’t already rambled on here a million other times. But, here I go again.

Tomorrow, I will make the trek to Charlotte to begin the long process of having my knee reconstructed for the ninth time. I’ve been waiting on the donor to have these procedure for almost a year to the date exactly. It’s been almost six years since my original injury so I couldn’t be more excited to finally be taking this step towards hopefully regaining my “pre-injury” life back. While the excitement is buzzing around, I can’t help but to also feel extremely anxious. My body is in a place that it’s never been in before and I feel very unsupported in the long road ahead. My bubble is being burst by everyone around me having no hesitation in expressing their opinion on my body’s readiness for surgery. I feel hurt and sad. I feel alone. I feel determined to prove everyone wrong.

I’m not sure that anyone can imagine what life would be life if all the sudden you went to work one day and an injury prevented you from ever returning. I know that I couldn’t…until it happened to me. I have been praying that this is the surgery I need so that I can return to nursing. I desperately want my life back. I desperately want to feel needed. I want to feel like I make a contribution. I want to feel hopeful about my life again.

I can only hope that this is the beginning of the end.

-Much love

Down the Rabbit Hole…

I woke up this morning literally feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach. Sometimes the words that hurt us the most come from those closest to us. I’m starting to think that I expect too much. I expect my family and friends to “get” it. I expect for them to desperately want to understand. That expectation I have has led to resentment. They can’t “get” it. They can’t understand it. More importantly…I don’t even think they want to. They look at me with such disdain, like I do this on purpose, like I enjoy this lifestyle. As soon as I start to speak my mind I am abruptly shut down.

It’s a lonely existence, you know. To be screaming on the inside while having pleasant conversation on the outside. I give up on trying to be understood. I give up on thinking that “understanding” will bring me some sort of relief. All it does it make me really sad…and really angry. The only relationship I can have with my family is one of surface. They will never know me. I’m not even sure that really ever have.

And so…I continue down my rabbit hole. It is comforting. It is familiar. It doesn’t yell at me, or get angered at me, or look at me with eyes of disappointment. In my corner of the world, it accepts me just as I am, alone. A place where no one else can really and truly bear the burden or understanding. A place where loneliness equals success. A place where I know I am okay.

-Much love

Sweet Serenity…

Sometimes I wonder what serenity feels like. I spend so much time at war with myself that I have no time or space to let anything else in. I stare out into the simplicity of the sky in such awe and amazement. The vastness of “it” in comparison to me. Is that serenity? I want the internal serenity. The kind that you wake up with. The kind of peace that just beams from your eyes.

I don’t know if I’ll ever obtain serenity. It’s like I’m always fighting with some part of me. It’s like the part of me that wanted recovery is slowly diminishing, fading, wasting away. It’s exhausting to feel so out of control. It’s exhausting to smile through the pain. Most days I just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. Most days I want to shut out the world.

But, my body keeps going. I keep going. Not consciously, but somehow our bodies can take an awful lot of abuse before they just quit. I want mine to quit because I’ve had enough. I can’t seem to handle the responsibility of being a healthy, happy, and productive human being. I can’t seem to handle the responsibility of doing what it takes to maintain my health. It’s easier to do what I’ve always done…even when it’s destroying me.

-Much love

Upside Down…

I’m not exactly sure which direction to go. Everything feels turned upside down and crazy. I have received an outpouring of texts and emails reaching out to me regarding my recent appointment. While I am so grateful for the immense amount of support, I am not emotionally at a place where I am ready to talk about the outcome.

Anyways……

The dreaded DBT group started today. I do have to say I was B.O.R.E.D. It was really just a difficult setting to focus in. All of my shame came rushing to the surface. All of my insecurity and doubt bubbled up and ran over. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to go back home and get in bed and pull the covers back over my head. But, I can’t. I don’t have anymore options. After yesterday’s lab draw my life is literally hanging in the balance.

What a waste. What a waste of life. It brings tears to my eyes when I think back to all of my patients who fought so damn hard for their lives…every step, every breath, every single day. And I am wasting my breath, my life, every fucking day. Flushing it down the toilet. Hoping it will all disappear.

-Much love