Sweet Serenity…

Sometimes I wonder what serenity feels like. I spend so much time at war with myself that I have no time or space to let anything else in. I stare out into the simplicity of the sky in such awe and amazement. The vastness of “it” in comparison to me. Is that serenity? I want the internal serenity. The kind that you wake up with. The kind of peace that just beams from your eyes.

I don’t know if I’ll ever obtain serenity. It’s like I’m always fighting with some part of me. It’s like the part of me that wanted recovery is slowly diminishing, fading, wasting away. It’s exhausting to feel so out of control. It’s exhausting to smile through the pain. Most days I just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. Most days I want to shut out the world.

But, my body keeps going. I keep going. Not consciously, but somehow our bodies can take an awful lot of abuse before they just quit. I want mine to quit because I’ve had enough. I can’t seem to handle the responsibility of being a healthy, happy, and productive human being. I can’t seem to handle the responsibility of doing what it takes to maintain my health. It’s easier to do what I’ve always done…even when it’s destroying me.

-Much love