As I sit here staring at my blog I realize just how long it’s been since I have really written a wholehearted post. My life has changed dramatically!
In the past few months I have started working again as a nurse and my boyfriend and I are in the process of becoming homeowners. Exciting times! However, it’s like my eating disorder is still my Achilles heel. Everywhere I go-there it is. I’m slowly realizing that I can’t expend the amount of energy that I do in my job and continue to live the lifestyle that I do. It just doesn’t work. I want it to…but it doesn’t.
Working as a psych nurse is a challenge-yet, so rewarding when you, yourself are in a place of daily recovery. When I say daily sometimes I even mean hourly. I want to save everyone-and I can’t. It’s a whole different world being on the other side. I know it gets better. I’ve experienced it. I also know that it gets flat out exhausting and hopeless and depressing and everything in between BEFORE it gets better…and that’s the beauty of it. I’ve been there. Hell, I still am there some days. I just know now I don’t have to stay there.
So for now, I am doing my damndest to create a life I love with a person I love doing a job that I love and experiencing my own recovery one moment at a time.
And just like that…it is Cinco de Mayo! The days feel long but the weeks just seem to fly by. Somehow, I still seem to feel absolutely, positively useless. Even though this season of my life is nothing short of amazing, my demons still seem to be rearing their ugly heads. Am I good enough? Pretty enough? Thin enough? Kind enough? Loveable enough? Supportive enough to my partner? Giving enough? Caring enough? This is the commentary that goes on in my brain. It is tiring. My God, it is tiring.
Lately, I have struggled tremendously with self-acceptance. My perfectionistic tendencies seem to scream out when I feel like I have someone who has expectations of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am MADLY in love with my other half. He keeps me sane, grounded, and honestly, just even-keeled most of the time and I can’t imagine my life without him.
I’ve been mulling a lot over the thought of being 36 years old and pretty much…nothing. I’m not married. I don’t have children. I am currently unable to work. It’s really playing with my psyche. I want to feel like I contribute. I want to feel like I matter. I want to feel like what I count for something. I know this probably sounds ho-hum but I want to feel…”normal” again. I want to do what “normal” people do like go to work and stuff. It’s a struggle. It’s really, really a struggle.
But, you know what? I am grateful! My family is well. My friends are well. I am well. Everything else is mere dust along the road. I can’t ask for much more than I already have. And that is “good enough” for me.
I decided to revisit my blog again because it is my outlet. Sometimes I think I tend to stray away from things when I get wrapped up in this idea that I’m “fine” but the truth is that I’ve still got my eating disorder AND depression AND anxiety screaming so loudly that sometimes I can barely hear. And while I have this man that loves me more than tacos (now that’s a lot in my book) it doesn’t make my issues with food and my body and self-esteem go away.
I haven’t talked about anything lately and all of this has weighed heavy on my heart and mind. I think I convinced myself that I was living in some sort of “recovery” the last 6 months or so but Jesus…I haven’t been. I’ve been spending more money on food that I can shove in my face and throw back up than I can afford. I’ve been going to the gym and seeing these women and somehow have become disillusioned to think that maybe at 36 years old I can train for a fitness/bikini competition. Ha! Yes, all while shoving laxatives down my throat and puking. What planet am I living on?! I’m so unhappy in my skin that I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror for more than 0.5 seconds.
But, all of this complaining to say how grateful I am. I’m grateful that my mom is a cancer SURVIVOR! I’m grateful that this man who has been placed in my life, for a second time I might add, loves and supports me. I am grateful for life…because in the end everything is pretty beautiful.
On Tuesday, January 23, my life was turned upside down when I received the call that no adult child wants to receive from their parent. At 2:36pm my mom was on the other end of my phone telling me she had breast cancer. Tears welled up in my eyes as she was telling ME not to worry. Anyone who knows me knows that telling me not to worry is like telling the sun not to shine. My heart sank. My stomach knotted up. My mind began to race. The nurse inside of me had a million questions but I knew she didn’t have the answers. All I could say was, “I love you, Mom.” All I could do was reassure her that I would be here every single step of the way.
My heart feels so broken. I’ve got to get my battle gear on because we are ready to fight and this is all happening FAST. Actually, I might want to find my roller skates for this ride.
I’m taking today to really process my own feelings so that I can put them aside and be the best caretaker and supporter possible. My mom will definitely need all the love and support that she can get. I want to be strong for her and my family as we have never had to navigate these waters before. Luckily, I too, have some very strong support.
What a smack in the face reminder to get on the fragility of life and just how short it really is. Go hug your family and loved ones. Tell them you love them. Tell them how important they are to you. There’s no time like the present.
And to my momma- I love you with every fiber of my being. You are a fighter! We are a family of fighters. We GOT this!
About a week ago I completely fell off the wagon. I made it 13 days laxative free before I relapsed. I couldn’t take it! I couldn’t take the swelling. I couldn’t take the water weight gain. I couldn’t take feeling uncomfortable. And so I ran back to what I knew would take that away. I’m used to being a failure so it doesn’t even seem like that big of a deal to me. My whole life has been about screwing everything up so it just seems like one more screw.
I don’t have any plans of getting back on the laxative recovery wagon anytime soon. I have to be completely ready and invested for it to work and right now I’m just…not. My life is completely overwhelming at this point. So many things feel so outta my control.
I definitely don’t like feeling out of control. I don’t like when SHIT, that’s right, SHIT happens and I can’t swoop in and save the day. I don’t like it when I look in the mirror and hate the reflection. I don’t like it when I stand on the scale and the number screams FAT! I.just.don’t.like.it.
Things are especially hard when other parts of my life are so amazing. I feel like I group it all together to make it ALL sound bad and it isn’t. I have the MOST supportive and loving man that I could ever ask for. God sure knew what he was doing when he put him back into my life. We are working diligently on building our future one day, one moment, one second at a time. For him, I am forever grateful.
But for today, I just want to pull the covers over my head and shut out the world. I want to run to the arms of my eating disorder because that is where I have found the familiar comfort for the last 25+ years. I want the ugliness of the world to turn off…just for today.
Can you believe it’s 2018?!!! I’ve NEVER been one for New Year’s resolutions or the person that jumps on the “diet” bandwagon. It drives me absolutely bat-shit crazy!! I can’t tell you how many gym and “try this diet” commercials I have seen run on a loop. It makes me want to SCREAM! Okay…I’m done with that rant.
This year, however, I decided to make a HUGE stride in my recovery. I’ve never been in a place where I’ve actually been willing to do this on my own and I’m not even actually sure of what will happen but I am going to attack my laxative addiction. It’s definitely the part of my eating disorder that affects my quality of life the most and makes my life the most miserable so I am starting with it. One.day.at.a.time.
I can’t say that I won’t need some sort of medical intervention but I am going to start this journey at home. I want some sort of semblance of a life. I have a man that would cross oceans for me. I have parents that love me more than life itself. I have a sister and a niece and nephew whom I utterly adore more than I have words to describe. I have friends who are still cheering me on no matter how many times I have failed. I have…it all. I just need to get myself back.
Wellllllll Helllooooo! Long time, no talk! It feels like forever since I have written. It hasn’t been because of lack of anything to write about but rather lack of anything NEW to write about. Lack of change in my recovery. Lack of change in my well being. And so, I just sat in the stillness for awhile. I sat in the sameness, the quiet, the confusion, and the chaos. I sat with myself.
Things are still the same only I have contemplated trying to see if I can get myself off of all of the laxatives that I shove down my throat on a daily basis. I’ve contemplated doing this on my own without the security of treatment or hospitalization.
I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling HORRIBLE all the time. It’s taken over my entire life. Every move I make is strategically planned out based on my ability to throw up and take laxatives. It’s imprisoning…and I want to be free again. Free to live, free to love, free to experience, free to hope, and wonder, and dream. I don’t want to live all my days out knowing that this is all I have.
And so after I can get through the holiday season, I am going to TRY. I’m going to slowly try to shift my life away from sickness to a healthier version of myself. And you know what? I may fail miserably at this. I may not be able to do it without some sort of medical intervention…but, I’m damn sure gonna try.