Struggle Bus…

Okay y’all! I’m on the STRUGGLE bus! As I’ve been taking care of more and more addicts on the medical side it’s really had me up close and personal with my own “addiction.” I’m not sure people realize that addiction can be debilitating, even when it isn’t to drugs or alcohol. Years and years of laxative abuse and bulimia can wreak havoc on your mind and body, especially when you’re not really “clean.”

I try…and fail…and try…and fail…that I just don’t really try anymore. It’s like I’m addicted to this notion that somehow this disease will make my life okay. Okay from what? My life has honestly never been in a better place. Why do I still feel the need to abuse my 85lb body? Why do I continue to disappoint everyone around me? I don’t have the answers.

And so I work. Why? My work makes me feel fulfilled. It makes me feel like I did when I was back in the military and a part of something bigger than myself. I gets me out of my head for a bit. It makes me feel accomplished. It keeps me busy. Simply put, it helps me to help someone else.

I know my life isn’t supposed to be entrenched with an eating disorder forever. But for basically my entire life…it’s all I have really had. My husband and family are my rocks. Hands down, no questions asked-they love me. And…that is just what I need right in this moment.