I’m not exactly sure which direction to go. Everything feels turned upside down and crazy. I have received an outpouring of texts and emails reaching out to me regarding my recent appointment. While I am so grateful for the immense amount of support, I am not emotionally at a place where I am ready to talk about the outcome.
Anyways……
The dreaded DBT group started today. I do have to say I was B.O.R.E.D. It was really just a difficult setting to focus in. All of my shame came rushing to the surface. All of my insecurity and doubt bubbled up and ran over. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to go back home and get in bed and pull the covers back over my head. But, I can’t. I don’t have anymore options. After yesterday’s lab draw my life is literally hanging in the balance.
What a waste. What a waste of life. It brings tears to my eyes when I think back to all of my patients who fought so damn hard for their lives…every step, every breath, every single day. And I am wasting my breath, my life, every fucking day. Flushing it down the toilet. Hoping it will all disappear.
-Much love
lifeaccordingtoalison 
I’m glad you hung in there. A friend of mine told me “Instead of making a decision to do something, you’re beating yourself up for not already having done it. That’s crazy!”. (My friend is not politically correct). I’ve thought about that a lot — I’m in my 40s and there are things I think I should have accomplished by now. But the solution isn’t to beat myself up over that – it’s to decide now whether that’s something I still want and how to get it done now.
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